Its almost five in the morning in California and I am extraordinarily tired. I want nothing more than to curl back into bed and sleep another five hours but I can't. At least, I shouldn't because I need to get used to waking up this early. Its nearly 7am central time and if this were next week I would already be late to work.
Every trip home has been different. While all of them have had enjoyable parts, most of them have been very tiring and emotional. Sometimes at the end of my vacation I want to stay longer and other times I'm ready to get back to life as I know it. This time around, I want to get back to life as I don't know it.
What is interesting in this situation is that I have full control over what I can do next. I am no longer a puppet of the United States Air Force, but I am still a slave to economics. I have a lease on an apartment, I just bought new furniture and now I am in a small amount of debt, which could turn into a huge debt if I decide to change my career path in a quick hurry.
Economics is important, but is it more important than being happy? I'm not saying that I couldn't be happy living in Oklahoma, I was quite content living there for three years previously. I'm just certain that I would be much happier living in Southern California and the time spent here on vacation has certainly solidified the fact that there is something about California that sets its apart from everywhere else that I have lived. I am sure that a big part of that is the friends and family, but there is something else that just attracts me, maybe its the fluoride they put in the water.
Of course, I am going to follow the logical side of my brain and take the economically safer route and make sure that I take care of my outstanding debts before making anymore career and life altering changes, thats just me-- Mr. take the safe route. Its funny because people tell me that I am adventurous and independent, but I disagree. I just found a path through the military that allowed me disguise my life as such, but in reality I'm still truly dependent. The only thing I did was replace the handouts of my birth parents with the hand outs of Uncle Sam. The last six years, I was told what job to do, what to wear, what to eat, and where to live. I might not have liked all the decisions that were made for me, but they were made and now that I have the final say on these decisions, I'm just so paranoid about making any of these seemingly easy decisions for myself.
Do I necessarily desire a life of being told how to run my life? No, in fact that was probably the main reason I decided to get out of the military in the first place. Do I think I made a bad decision? No. Each choice I have has its pros and cons. I wish there was a path in my life that lead me to live in California but for now, that road is being worked on.
1 comment:
I applaud your honesty with yourself. It's amazing to me to think about living that far away from friends and family. I know in the past you didn't really have a choice, but now you do.
In a small way I can understand how you feel wishing that the road would lead closer to where you grew up. When I first moved to Riverside all I could really think of after getting the degree was getting back to the Bay Area. There's still parts of me that really love the Bay Area, but it feels different.
I think you hit upon something true. That is that when it comes to complicated problems, the solutions come piece by piece. Generally that we have to use that piece before another one is given.
But for now, you've proven your self suffiency. You've got a job that supports you and your lifestyle. You're capable of individual thought and action. That says a lot to your good.
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